Spiritual Workout

Dear Spiritual Workout:
I have a confusing relationship with my manager at work. We are friends outside of work and she lets me get away with things but she has crossed boundaries with physically pinching me when she disagrees with me. I like my job and need money but am not sure how to feel about this dynamic.

Dear Reader:
Well I won’t ever tell anyone how to feel, but I can say that “please don’t ever pinch me again” would be a rational thing to offer, straight up. If you have any hesitation about expressing this message, write it down right away. You will see that your hesitation is, essentially, a list of beliefs you have about why it’s not OK to set a clear boundary. That will be excellent fodder for dis-creating this dynamic, what your question is about. Clearly there are benefits to your friendship if you “get away with things” and clearly there are costs to your friendship if she is crossing boundaries and you are confused. What you are talking about here is a dual relationship — friends on the one hand and boss/subordinate on the other. “Consenting adults” are free to create whatever relationships they care to create. But doing so without clearly stated boundaries, to use your excellent word for it, without knowing what the intentions are for each relationship, without knowing the rules of the road, can only lead to the confusing dynamic you describe.

Dear Spiritual Workout:
Whenever there is a death of someone I am connected to, I’m a total mess. There is part of me that wants to be there for people who are grieving, especially when someone they and/or I love has died. But my emotions take over, I don’t say the right things, and no matter who or what it is, it reminds me of my grandfather and when he died and how awful it was and I’m just a heaping pile of sadness and tears. How can I be a better friend to people who are grieving?

Dear Reader:
I am ninety-nine percent sure that the answer to your question is this: by processing the as-yet unprocessed aspects of the experience you had when your grandfather died. When my partner died in his 30’s, of cancer, it was somewhat shocking, seemingly out of regular order, and definitely unwanted. But I’m the Spiritual Workout guy, I knew how to move through/process it, and I did — in a way that grew my soul and increased my capacity to love. Because of that, I am able to be with others who are contending with their own personalized version of the rather universal experience of grief and loss. There is a clear distinction between their now-experience and my then-experience, a distinction which is lacking when you want to be there for others. So, you can be a better friend to people who are grieving by fully processing the grief that naturally came to you in the wake of your grandfather’s death — and is still needing attention today.

•

Dear Reader

Please send issues and questions you’d like to see addressed in this column to dearspiritualworkout@spiritualworkout.com. (Confidentiality assured.) And please send your comments about the column itself to editor@towncrier.com.