I have been putting off going to the dentist for an embarrassingly long time. I’m sure most moms can relate to the constant demand on our hours. We just don’t have an extra day lying around to go to an appointment, or at least that’s what we tell ourselves. But, is that really the case? Is it really so imperative that our children come first in every aspect of life all day every day? No. No, it is not.
So, I made the time to take care of myself and my wine-stained pearly-ish whites. Guess what? No one died because their schedule was a bit off.
Here’s the problem when you put your needs on the back burner too long — you get burned. Turns out, you don’t get points toward your own health just because the kids have had every check up every six months like clockwork. Who knew, right?
The exam began with “Five years? That’s a very long time,” accompanied by a disapproving head nod and a coddling “but at least you’re here now.” Sure, sure, lady let’s just get this over with. I endured the poking and prodding and those weird x-ray plates that they try to low key choke you with, and as I sat in the room waiting for the diagnosis, I prepared for the worst. The worst presented itself as a hefty bill for a crown that won’t even work as an accessory, making it the least cool crown a girl could ever wear.
After the initial shock and acceptance of my fate, the rest of the cleaning commenced. Here’s the problem, I can’t just be normal. A normal person would sit there like an adult and let the team do their thing.
Instead, I mentioned that the tool they call the “Cavitron” sounds like some kind of awesome Transformer. When that comment was met with relative silence, I realized my material is best received by boys under the age of 10. This woman just didn’t get me.
In case anyone is wondering, the “Cavitron” is definitely a Decepticon. The concentrated spray it produced felt like a needle on my gums and I flinched, hard. Do you know what happens when you flinch? You get a shower in the dentist chair.
The water went all over my face. I started gagging and then laughing uncontrollably because that’s my natural response when I’m uncomfortable. It was bad guys. Like true professionals, they reined me in and we finished the rest of the appointment without incident.
I want to believe that I was the topic of discussion at the next office meeting: “Remember team, sell the patients on expensive crowns, and don’t give them free showers.”

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