Bobbie Rants: January 12, 2017

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By Bobbie Glasheen

Gen turned to Madge over lunch and said, “Madge, you look beautiful. I love the color of your hair.” Madge, in fact, looked dreadful. The color of her hair was freakish.

Later, Jessie, when asked about her tennis bracelet replied, “Jim gave it to me. It was very expensive and I am almost embarrassed to wear it.” I looked at the bracelet. It was the same piece I had seen on clearance display at Target earlier in the week. Well, doggone.

June had a new puppy in the family. When asked if June knew the breed she replied, “It’s a Fontius Andorran, a rare breed originally bred by the Zoots.” The Fontius Andorran breed does not exist. Nor do the Zoots.

Couldn’t any of us tell the truth here? Had we never familiarized ourselves with the 7th Commandment? Or maybe it’s the 12th Commandment. Gotta’ be there somewhere ... an admonishment, to tell the truth.

At home, I found it between the covers of my old and dear King James version. “Thou shalt lie and fabricate only so much as it serves thee.” There it was! Lie through your teeth as along as it serves thy purpose. We were all doing it, from government leaders to my best friends. Including me. Indeed, I am the past master.

I told Sue she looked like she had lost weight. She hadn’t. She was a tub. From my own lips our accountant heard that our business had suffered enormous losses through bad debt. I told him we had paid all our estimated tax. I had. With silly money from my son’s FischerPrice cash register. 

My husband heard me say that the meat was fresh. Actually, it was wearing a sweater. I told the landlord that the check was in the mail.

Thusly, my circle of friends and admirers grew, and it was soon suggested that I enroll in divinity school, or better yet, law school. I chose the seminary.

Soon, on a carpet of outlandish lies, gossip and ignorance, I rose to the papal throne. When asked if I were really a man, one had to be a man to be the pope, I threw back my tonsured head and bellowed in holy rage, “Of course I am a man! How could I be so smart if I were a woman?”

That silenced the bishops and I rode into the Vatican in my Popemobile dressed in a tutu and satin slippers. Surely it was a blessed and wonderful event.

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